SEX & SEXUALITY- Are sex triggers in men and women the same?

Written by Funmi akingbade

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Do men really have stronger sex drives than women? Well on the average, yes, they do. Men have stronger sex drive than women but not in all cases, and what trigger men are far different from women’s triggers. Study has shown that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much harder to pin down, because women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire and they are to a large extent influenced by social, religious and cultural factors.

Men under 60 think about sex at least once or twice a day, and have more spontaneous sexual arousal while only about one-quarter of women think about it that frequently. As men and women age, they fantasise less, but men still fantasise about twice or more as often with all sort of varied fantasies. At the start of any relationship, men want sex more often than women but, in the middle of it, and after many years, all things being equal, both may just be on the same frequencies. Sometimes men are more likely to seek sex even when it’s frowned upon or even forbidden.

Man’s sexual triggers are easily predictable while a woman’s sexual turn-ons are more complicated. They always seem not to have a clue themselves. While men easily agreed to be turned on by various sexual sights, majority of women are thoughtful about whom they become aroused by, who they want to have sex with and who they fall in love with. Statistics says highly literate women are wired to choose their life partners carefully; they are likely to be more attuned to relationship than pleasure.

But when it comes to sexual desire, men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. Many women arousal desire originates much more between their ears than between the legs; it is more about the anticipation, how they get there that matters most to them. Their desire is more circumstantial, more subjective, more coated on a framework of emotion, at times sentiment and feeling.

But on the contrary men don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, sex is mostly basic simply and straightforward. That doesn’t mean men don’t seek intimacy, love, and connection in a relationship, just as women do. They just view the role of sex differently. Women want to talk first, connect first, then have sex. For men, sex itself is actually the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. It is their language of intimacy.

Men, on average, take seven minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation; women usually take around 12 to 15 minutes to reach orgasm; some do not at all. Women’s libidos seem to be more responsive to happiness, love, tenderness, care, comfort and caring than drugs. Men’s sex drives seemingly seem more directly tied to physiological response. Compared to women, it may be no surprise that low desire may be more easily treated through medication in men. Men have embraced drugs as a cure not only for erectile dysfunction but also for a shrinking libido. But with women, more of understanding with medicine gets their libido revived.

Many couples love to see their spouse grow in sexual desire with them in the relationship. If you want your sexual desire to stand the test of time, it is key that you maintain a strong emotional connection with each other.

Be attentive. When your spouse is venting or sharing thoughts about any topic, listen. Really listen. Try to understand what they are saying and what their personal connection is to the topic. When appropriate, empathise and show compassion. Join your spouse in activities they enjoy. When you both enjoy the same activities, make sure to take advantage of the mutual interest. To nurture your relationship even more, spend some time participating in your partner’s interests.

Show your love in a way that connects with them. You might feel most loved when your partner says those magic three words or when they offer to help you run errands. However, your partner may not feel the same way. They might feel most loved when you are engaged in listening to them discuss their passion or when you encourage them to take on some feared but personally important challenge. So, learn what makes your partners feel most loved and offer it to them. Putting these tips into action is a great sexual desire growth and connection. Married couples can take things even further by brainstorming some ideas for connecting that are specific to their relationship and individual personalities. Even just participating in those conversations about connection can deepen the relationship and harmonise sexual desire.

Questions and Answers

If you give birth to a set of twins, your ejaculation will reduce; true or false?

It is a fact that if you give birth to a set of twins consecutively, the volume of your ejaculation will reduce and the quality of your semen will disappear. I happen to be a father of two sets of twins and ever since then, I have noticed changes drastically in what I produce during ejaculation while my sperm seems to be watery. When I was much younger, what came out of me was usually voluminous and very sticky. Should I worry if I am producing less while I ejaculate?

Baba Ibeji

Men of all ages mostly seem to be very obsessed with themselves and how they perform sexually. Ejaculatory volume and force seem to be something that they’re also very proud of. But as men get older, there are changes going on within the prostate gland which most times allow the volume of semen fluid to actually decrease. Sexual experience and the intensity of sexuality can change as well; this happens to all men, not necessarily because they are fathers of one or seven, of no child. Most times, men still feel the same; the orgasm is unchanged, but there will be less volume and less force to it and that is still part of natural aging. Reduction in ejaculation majorly also has to do with stress, fatigue, extreme frequency of ejaculation and extreme intensity of ejaculation.

Think beyond the bed

I listen to one of your lectures, please what are the practical ways for very busy couples to think beyond the bed.

Gabriel Salami

Thinking beyond the bedroom is just inventing some other sexy places and thoughts to enhancing couples’ sexual activities. For instance, there are many sexy places to get sensual besides the bed. Think of the kitchen, couches, bathroom, backyard or a pool. Getting innovative brings pleasurable sexual rewards. Since the time is not always available, both of you can just fool around with the few minutes you have. Don’t wait for when you are alone to make out with each other. Kiss your spouse when they’re on the phone with someone else, or take their pants off and give them an oral in the middle of a phone call. You can even play with each other’s bodies instead of just having sex. Quickly create a sexual setting and design your bedroom to revolve around sex. When you have some time in your hands, stand in front of each other’s wardrobes and start wearing each other’s clothes. Don’t forget the underwear too, cuddle up next to each other or get in bed and cover yourselves completely so you’re in the dark under the blanket. Think beyond the bed is just thinking up something usual to make up for good sexual life.

Does sucking breast leads to painful cervix?

My wife always refuses me the only thing I love during sex and that is to suck her breast, especially the nipples but she bitterly complains of pains. She says each time I place my mouth on her nipples, she immediately starts feeling pain in her cervix. Is this normal? What can we do to stop the pain so that I will not be denied of this only pleasure I looked forward to?

Suleiman Technician

I think the best thing to do is to be mindful of your techniques; the way and manner you do the sucking goes a long way. The cervix and breast are not biologically connected. The cervix is a cylinder-shaped neck of tissue that connects the vagina and uterus. The cervix is made of cartilage covered by smooth, moist tissue, and is about one inch across. There are two main portions of the cervix. The part of the cervix that can be seen from inside the vagina during a gynaecologic examination, then also an opening in the centre, known as the external OS, which opens to allow passage between the uterus and vagina. This canal is a tunnel through the cervix from the external OS into the uterus. The overlapping border is called the transformation zone. The cervix produces cervical mucus that changes in consistency during the menstrual cycle to prevent or promote pregnancy. The only time the cervix gets involved in sexual activities is during vigorous sex when the tip of the penis may likely touch the OS of the cervix and during childbirth, when the cervix dilates widely to allow the baby to pass through. Also during menstruation, the cervix opens a bit to permit passage of menstrual flow. So, you see the pain she is experiencing may be a mind-set issue and not from the cervix.