Spouses or room-mates?

BY FUNMI AKINGBADE (
CAFI.PUNCH@YAHOO.COM, 
0818 802 2803

There’s no drama, no fighting. You’ve been together for years, raised kids and built a good family together. The love is still there, but the spark is gone. As months drift into years, you realize that you are bored and in a sexless marriage. Many couples think this is a harmless relationship but there’s more at stake than simply boredom- a big disconnection.

If you look closely, you will notice that both of you are leading parallel lives and sometimes don’t even see each other for days or months. You say everything important to your friends but not to each other because there is a feeling of neglect and disappointment. At any slight mistake, a sharp tongue follows;  a sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless, sexless marriage.

At this stage, an idea of having a new sex partner starts to build up with high desire but new sex partner certainly is not the solution. This is because the initial sexual romantic passion of any relationship changes after 18 months. To make sure you do not drift from a romantic partner to a roommate, commit to making sex happen at all time if not at most times.

Have sex regularly!!! Get into bed together, hug and touch each other at intervals even when you are tired. Most times, not all spouses want sex as the relationship gets older but when initiated by one of them, they easily get into the mood. According to research, 65 per cent of spouses remain sexually active throughout their life span.

You also have to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse; give up some unrealistic expectations and see your spouse as your better half that is human enough to make mistake. This will help guide against depraved communication. It’s not our differences that pull us apart; it’s how we handle them. You need to really listen to your partner in a way he or she knows you love and respect him or her. Take a marriage cruise or retreat to some new places. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy. Send an e-mail here and there, give a smile when unexpected. Maybe that “innocent” friendship smile, recognition, regard, honour with your spouse isn’t so innocent after all…. and the moment the friendship link is open, you make time for sex. Set aside time for it just like you set aside time for some other important things in the relationship and also look forward to it, like unavoidable project.

That doesn’t mean every  time you take off your clothes, you must have sex. To simplify it, you can think of sex like an exercise, your regular daily routine exercises. Instead of working out or running or skipping, try lovemaking, after all, sexual health is an important part of general health.

Outside the bedroom, make time for each other; think of what would put excitement into your partner’s life. Take responsibility for doing something about it; this naturally makes you happy. Share each other’s interests and also find new interests together. I have personally discovered that trying something new requires a lot of focus and that’s particularly good for couple’s sex life. It’s like when you just have your kids, or bought your first house.

Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you’re over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. “When we’re 20, it’s all pretty straightforward — desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it — then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal.”

One of the things many couples never put into consideration is that mind-set changes as the marriage union advances. Note that as men get older, they get more focused on eroticism. They are much more interested in pleasure in having the connection, while women are more free and bolder to start making sexual demands. At this point, couples should also develop a “sexual style” peculiar to the discoveries they got from their partner’s sexuality behaviour. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them intimately. Marital sex can be hot if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner, and hotter when you work towards being a life partner spouse and not a room-mate. Until next week, I remain your loyal bedroom instructor.