Sex and Sexuality - Searching for your partner

 

Written by Funmi Akingbade 

punch@yahoo.com,

Click here to like her page

The edition of Sex and Sexuality this week is 'searching for your partner'.

How well are you prepared for this? well, lets hear the gist from Funmi Akingbade

 There is a big global challenge today as singles search for the right person for them. That is the search for Mr. and Miss Right. This search is not peculiar to this part of the world but is a global thing. As simple as the search should be, many singles, for lack of preparation, have made it look unattainable.

I come across many marriageable singles and when I ask why they are still single, the immediate reply is ‘I’m still searching’. I think the real answer should be ‘I’m not adequately prepared and have not come to terms with my unrealistic expectations’. The irony of life is that everyone is an imperfect being endlessly waiting for the perfect human being who will suit their personality without much effort from their own side.

The more detailed you are about marriage and relationship, the easier for you; time spent on preparation for marriage is an investment. The difference between success and failure in marriage is determined by the level of information we have as singles.

As challenging as the preparation for marriage is, it cannot also be compared to the long time marriage relationship and its challenges. It is more challenging staying married than getting married. Success in marriage is a series of right choices, your habits and choices now determine your marriage and life. While making these choices, fill your heart with a sense of destination in the marriage.

Some singles think that they will only be happy or well taken care of when they get married to a particular person for instance, a pastor, the best looking lady, the most intelligent and well placed man in the society, a very tall lady, a slim sister, or the happening guy. Remember, character is the decisive test of maturity.

You must be very observant of that person’s character, family background and attitude. A healthy relationship in the nuclear family of your partner makes for a healthy relationship in the marital home. Check out how he or she reacts at home, how he, as a man, treats his mother. Is he tender, loving and understanding or rude and always demanding? Does he shout his mother down? How does this man treat you before marriage? Does he talk to you with respect? Is he on time for appointments?

You should sincerely ask and answer these questions yourself: “What kind of reputation does this man have? Who are his friends? Does he display self-control? How does he treat elderly people? What kind of family does he come from? How does he interact with them? What is his attitude to money? Is he temperamental, violent? Does he abuse drugs or alcohol? Can I be safe with him? What financial responsibilities does he have and how does he handle them? Can I deeply respect him? As a man, find out if the lady displays love and respect for others. Is she capable of caring for a home? What will her family expect of you? Can I meet their expectations? If not, what are the alternatives? Is she industrious and thrifty?

As much as the above aspects are to be seriously considered, do not forget that we are dealing with an imperfect human being, not some hero or heroine of a romantic novel. Everyone has shortcomings, and some of these will have to be overlooked, both yours and those of your prospective partner. Besides, a perceived weakness can present an opportunity to grow and if your prospective mate shows a desire to improve, you have to help.

Many singles look out for compatibility tie but do you know that we can all be great actors, especially when we are trying to impress? Strange as it may seem, it is possible to be in courtship with someone, get married and later find out that you did not really know that person so well.

Singles should realise that to a certain level, all couples are incompatible and marriage itself is purely a ground of differences in views, needs and values! Compatibility is determined by how adaptable both of you are and not how identical. The search for Mr. Right or Miss Right will be less traumatic if couples realise the above. When an individual is well adjusted in life, he or she will most likely be compatible with anybody. Compatibility is more of a personality ‘fit’. So instead of asking ‘Do we agree on everything’? A better question might be: ‘What happens when we disagree’?

You are safer getting married to your friend, even when both of you were not friends before the beginning of the relationship. You should not get married without being each other’s friends. In a truly successful marriage, couples are good friends and enjoy each other’s company. It is difficult to sustain a close relationship in marriage when couples are not friends. Do you respect and esteem each other highly and value each other’s opinions?